Inner Tug of War


During the day I sense God's presence in my life, hence for the most part, I do fine. Then at night, I find myself waking up at 3:00am, completely appalled by my life and asking myself "how did I get here?" I start to panic and I feel like I've squandered away my life on the wrong people and choices. Then, in the morning I feel pretty okay again. Am I having a mid-life crisis or is this something more?


You are in the midst of a tug of war within your own consciousness - a power struggle between your waning ego structure and your emerging True Self. Because you have less conscious control during the night, deep illusory fears tend to rise to the surface and end up doing some of their most destructive work. Like stealth commandos, they use the cover of darkness to sneak up on you - not only to regain ground lost during the day, but to shore up their defenses against future incursions.

Once such an ambush occurs, you are quickly overtaken by panic. Gone is the more calm and centered way of being that comes with sensing God's presence in your life - trusting that as long as you are following his will (or at least aspire to), nothing in your outer life (the appearance world) need ultimately affect you.

To return to such clear awareness, simply say to yourself (over and over as needed), "the only thing that matters, the only thing that defines true success and real progress in my life is the degree to which I am willing to surrender to God. How things look or feel to my ego mind is no longer my concern". Allow these powerful words to sink in and firmly take hold. Once that occurs, immediately re-surrender your life to God - giving all fears, concerns and judgments (especially self-judgments) up to him.

Such (truth affirming) self-talk is essential, given that the closer one gets to freedom, the more dramatic and intense such illusory displays tend to become (due to ego's escalating fear of losing dominion and control). Hence, rather than being disturbed by such outbursts, see them as definitive signs of your spiritual progress.

Ultimately, you are not struggling with mid-life crisis, but an end-life crisis - the end of your ego-centered existence, the end of all personal suffering and therefore beginning of a real, awakened life. What's so beautiful about all spiritual tugs of war is that there are never any losers. Everyone and every part of one's consciousness ultimately wins and wins in most spectacular, joyful way imaginable. That's because the ultimate victor in all cases (your God Nature) is made up of Pure Love. With perfected Love running the show, existence under such rulership cannot help but be glorious!

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